Button Reviews

In October of 2019, YouTuber Jenny Nicholson, who would later come to be known for her four-hour critical review of Disney World’s defunct Star Wars hotel, revealed that she is a connoisseur of spider reviews.

As Jenny explains, “There’s just something so delightfully unnecessary about a plastic spider, which is why for me the idea of somebody attempting to critically analyze the quality of a spider they’ve received is just really funny.”

I thought we might do something like that today. Just a little silly review review that won’t segue into a pretentious soapbox about art or life or anything like that. A little off-brand, sure—but I do want to keep you on your toes.

If you think plastic spiders are delightfully unnecessary, Jenny, get a load of this.

Staples is an office supply store, best known for the slogan, “That was easy” and for their bright red novelty “Easy Buttons” that say the slogan aloud when pressed. (If you’ve been involved with grade-school education in any capacity, you probably know a teacher who had one of these buttons. Teachers love them.)

Today, we’re going to look at some Easy Button reviews.

Ordering an Easy Button from Staples is, apparently, too easy.

Some reviewers leave general comments about their experience interacting with Staples in the easy button review section—not sure if that’s on purpose or on accident. But I just love the idea of someone calling a bright red talking button capital-V Very capital-P Professional.

You, um, doing alright, Ann?

Who’s keeping you from really pushing the button, Kathryn?

It’s alright to be enthusiastic, Alesia, but you should consider what less high-minded individuals might make of such ill-considered phrases as “makes my day” or “with every touch.”

“But even free it only merits four stars.”

I always find it helpful when reviewers take the time to explain what they used the product for specifically.

Another review from Glenda: “★★★☆☆ - Front desk clerk tried to murder me with an axe, so I wasn’t able to check-in to my room.”

That’s why we’re here!

How exciting did it seem, Robert?

We all aspire to one day make a splash the way the Easy Button does.

This is actually the Easy Button rating itself after a bad mental health day.

Roberta peered inquisitively at her Easy Button through one of those mounted magnifying lenses like they have at dental offices. Hours passed in pregnant contemplation. Dang, she thought, it sure was interesting.

If I may gently push back, Chris, I don’t think that’s crazy at all.

How are you pressing it so that you need to be able to hear it across the room?

Once more the Easy Button comes under fire for being too easy.

You know, Esther, if you like expression from an independent voice, you can get TWO MONTHS of subscription to this blog for the price of a single easy button. Food for thought.

It’s a very peculiar relationship, don’t you think, where you’d feel humiliated about the dead batteries in their $12 birthday Easy Button?

But, wait. If the dad bought the Easy Button, and Katie is writing this review, why is this reviewer marked as a verified buyer? Something doesn’t add up here. Unless—this review is also the work of the dad-daughter duo, impersonating Katie to cover the tracks of their wasteful spending and subpar Christmas shopping! This conspiracy goes all the way to the top!

Well, that was easy!

What are the qualifications for being a Worthy Recipient of an Easy Button?

Oh, that’s why that Staples Customer before needed to be able to hear it across the room!

What did you want it to say, Cara?

Nothing says, “Thank you for coming to our church service” like a passive-aggressive gag gift.

I aspire to someday make a purchase without regret…

Think of how much we could have saved on muscle cars and it bags if we had just collectively realized that we could improve our status with $12 easy buttons!

The ominous opening of a horror story told entirely through product reviews.

What did you expect?